Abuse!

Incredibly funny video with Patrice Oneal, enjoy!

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Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight.

Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.

Student Loan STDs

Always use protection when you're screwing yourself.

Women's Health Experts Speak Out

Women's Health Experts Speak Out from Judd Nelson

100% of male experts agree: nobody knows more about women's issues like birth control than late-middle-aged men and the Republican party is well aware.

UN Home Security System

The United Nations now offers your home the same security that countries have enjoyed for years. If your house is broken into, they will send unarmed observers to watch the burglars and then spend months debating the appropriate nonbinding resolution.